bitch 'n' moan

2006-10-22T22:42:00.000+05:00

Okay, so here's the deal. I smoke. I'm not like a chain-smoking addict or whatever, but its a good way to calm down sometimes. Anyways. My parents have a problem with it, even though my Dad was a chain-smoker for god-knows-how-many-decades. My mom is a typical desi wife and she'd go all omigod i can't believe you're doing *wrong* things? why aren't you as pure as driven snow?!?!
So like a few months ago, she, erm, discovered my little secret. And then afterwards she made me promise that I'd never ever do it again. But. Obviously, I did. Right. Anyways. She woke me up today asking 'Nida. Nida.' And then she said 'Have you...started your bad habbit again?' (as if the mere word is too deadly for her.) Anyways. I knew it was coming. Because the door to my room was open, and I'd been spending a lot of time there recently, so I knew she'd be upto her usual imbellic Sherlock ways. As I give two shits. Anyways. So I just said "yes".
the reply?*gasp* But - you promised me!
and what were you doing snooping around in my room?
I - uh - was getting a glass -
I walked out of the room, saying you're such a hypocritical liar.
Anyways. I was majorly pissed off and mentally prepared an entire speech about how I'm 19 and old enough to make my own decisions and it's my body, my choice - blah blah. PLUS i did everything they wanted me to, like take her to the hospital 4 times, get all the freaking groceries, etc so she had no right to treat me like a child. Because I'm not. And I don't WANT to quit, and it's really none of her business anyway.
Anyway. I was expecting more accusations and a major fight, but there's been nothing. So its been making me have all these neurotic, weird, panicky feelings. (Yes, ironically, the kind of feelings when you really need a smoke.) And it's really pissing off - this whole, platonic, civil, polite, nothing-happened, treatment. Argh the fucking calm before the bloody storm. ughhh - i'm expecting some of that later on, but I dont want to deal with her puppy-face look.
Hmm...And. Yeah. Um, what was I going to say? Yeah, so its *SORT* of making me feel guilty, like going there and being like :'( Mommmmmmmy! I'm sorrrry! I swear I'll be a good girl and I'll NEVER ever do that again! smoking bad, mommy good!
It would make matters a lot easier, but that would just be lying to her. And inevtaibly result in getting caught. Again. How moronic of me.
ugh. this is why living with your parents is crap.

2006-10-08T15:05:00.000+05:00

so, this is a funny conversation I had with this girl I know today.
Nida says:
feeling any better?
Nida says:
:)
anum says:
ahahaha yeaa
anum says:
lots
anum says:
hot picture
anum says:
i swear you karachites are so friggin hot
Nida says:
hehe...nahh man, all the guys here think lahori chicas are sexy!
anum says:
ahahahah
anum says:
well i think BOTH khi guys and girls are damn hot
anum says:
and more practical
anum says:
and not idiots
Nida says:
hahaha
Nida says:
khi boys
Nida says:
not hot man. not even close
Nida says:
faces only a mother would love, i tells you!!!
anum says:
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH
anum says:
no, i dont mind them
Nida says:
you know which boys are mildly goodlooking?
anum says:
which ones?
Nida says:
bbcds!
Nida says:
i've noticed they're always so wellgroomed
anum says:
AHAHAHAAHHA
anum says:
all khi guys are well groomed
Nida says:
they ARE man, the bbcds
Nida says:
nice clothes and perfectly styled hair
Nida says:
they make me feel sloppy hehe
anum says:
ahahahaha

...yeah, so BBCD boys. god, what's wrong with me? i must be really horny these days but DUDE they're HOT. well groomed, immaculately made hair and nice dress sense, and lately i've even started to find their accents kinda sexy :-\ previously i used to say ew! haha
Amir Khan, for one. the boxer. aaahhh, he's a Fiiiiiiiine specimen of a brown man. right, ladies? hehe :D

I've been rereading A Million Little Pieces.
Oddly enough a lot of the constant moodswings induced by alcohol and substance abuse as well as the self-contempt James Frey felt reminds me a lot of myself.... :-\ no kidding, it does! heh...

Anyways, I'm going to enjoy my lazy Sunday. Ta!

2006-10-07T18:43:00.000+05:00

i decided to make it alright
- i'm complete
i'm reborn
i can do no wrong

i feel alright today.

2006-10-06T20:25:00.000+05:00

I made a list of things I want to have in my life

freedom
peace -- to be at peace with myself
contentment, satisfaction and all that jazz. Not being pissed and hating myself and others that much..
camaraderie
laughter
spotaniety
adventure
randomness
love
companionship

:-)

2006-09-29T22:56:00.000+05:00

A moment of reflection...
I'm listening to an Audioslave song. Although previously I'd dismissed it as a happy happy song. I really get it now...
Chris Cornell's talking about how painful his past was, and how he feels like he's born again, and he's seeing everything for the first time, and he's hungry for new experiences so that he can leave all of the old stuff behind and start a new life and be happy. it's so cute, the vulnerability, and the attempt at just trying to change and be happy.
I sort of see myself that way. I'm trying to leave everything else behind and start afresh and not dwell on old feelings and discover new things and just be happy :-)
Yeah...
Anyways. For some reason, I've just been feeling calmer (calmer in a relative sense, i'm still a pretty restless person) and happier, lighter recently. I think I've made my peace with some stuff and coming to terms with a few things. I'm getting over some things, and although I didn't get what I wanted, I realized it's okay, I'm still surviving and I still have plenty. More than a Lot of people, so I'm good. :) Yes I know all these feelings will go away and I'll be stuck in a downer soon but for now I'm just going to be positive. No more self-pity and sighs and other stuff. It's okay. I'm still alive.
I've also realized that although I might feel very very strongly about certain things I'm not always right about them - and that I should be cautious, obviously, that I should also listen to good advice and think about what other people say. I'm not going to be defensive anymore.
:)
Life isn't perfect, but it's pretty good. I'm through with the whining, bitching and complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I'm warm dry and safe. So no need to be unhappy.

A THOUGHT OF OTHER WORLDS'
Blue, warm ocean
The sunshine mirror sparkles above
Deep below glisten pearls
Bygone memories flow in with waves to the shore
Remembrances of a purposeless life
A burden on the inner eye

The sights I have seen
The places I have been
The homes I have lived in
The people I have known
This day also I will remember
In some other season
On the bank of another river
In some other world.'

2006-09-22T23:24:00.000+05:00

list of places I'd like to visit.1.Egypt (sharam-el-sheikh, cairo, etc)2. Morroco (mos' def--marrakech, casablanca, etc.) why? just 'cause!!3. Lebanon: once there's peace and it's restored, obviously. the food's awesome! 4. PRAGUE.5. France: Paris but also the south, and up north versailles where all the castles are at6. CHINA. beijing, the great wall, tianamen square. who wouldn't want to see all that?7. erm...Syria. just to see what 'damascus' looks like. haha and if the sheesha's any better there!8. Iraq. (dunno why- just 'cause my ancestors came from there?)9. Amsterdam. HELL YEEAAAAAAAH!10. Thailand: to see all those amazing buddha statues. and for the shopping, obviously!11. Hawaii. because it's hawaii!12. TURKEY especially istanbul. (for old time's sake)13. Spain. (to see a bull-fight)

2006-09-22T21:38:00.000+05:00

I bunked school today. I'm bored and restless. The damn bijli was gone for 12 hours almost last night so today I just slept slept slept when it came back and didn't attend school, then got up and did the shopping. nobody to talk to. oh well. huh.

2006-09-21T22:13:00.000+05:00

Bad things about ......

-zones out continuously
-indulges in a lot more self-pity than necessary
-refuses to take sane advice just BECAUSE of being utterly STUUUUUUPID. mmhmm.
-is rather bossy :-s
-does something nice but follows it with something really idiotic out of compulsive behaviour. argh.

2006-09-21T00:24:00.000+05:00

something's stuck in my tooth and it hurts like a bitch. oww! :-s

Anyways. So today was my 3rd day of classes. I've become such a lazy bum of late, don't really feel like getting up to do anything. So just had 2 classes, then went to espresso with a friend, it was cool. I miss going there all the time with smokes and coffee. :-( Heh... then my Dad came and I was just telling him all about the utter suckiness of it, and well...I don't really know what to say.

As usual, we didn't reach any conclusions. He said the usual "I can't see you unhappy and I won't force you, and we'll talk about it and see what happens. And I'm not happy that you're going there."

Heh... I just feel stupid, stupid, stupid. :( Anyways, it hasn't even been a week but I'm having a fucking panic-attack about it. I'm just consoling myself that maybe it's just for like 1 more month. Maybe? :-s Anyways. I have a busy day tommorow. I'm just gonna take it one day at a time. Today wasn't so totally sucky.

I want some chocolate. But other than that, everything is alright. I'm just going to try to be happy.

2006-09-19T11:56:00.000+05:00

the past few days have been somewhat eventful...
yesterday i started l'ecole. just had 1 economics class, the teacher was really obnoxious, i'm guessing i'll just basically have to do most of the studying by myself. urgh. Anyways, yeah, what else? then went back after a 3 hour gap, and there was no bijli so went back home...and it was shayan's surprise-farewell...that was nice. :-) except there's always some sorta problem, all the time. anyways...i dont wanna go into those and vent and feel miserable all over again...

i was feeling really bummed about joining l'ecole last night. :( i don't wanna go!!! sigh... i'm sad. but for some reason i cant feel like that anymore.

i want to be happy. i'm just going to try and feel happy.

2006-09-16T18:42:00.000+05:00

my good mood is fast fading. :-/

i think i need to talk to someone, but nobody good is online. :( how pissing off and it makes me realize how dependant i am on people for listening to my crap. ugh

Anyways. Today was a good day. Kind of.

I got up and picked the German up and we went sight-seeing. It was really hot, and the places to see were sort of disappointing, but it was all right I guess. Hmm. What really pissed me off is that my mom kept calling after every half an hour. She called a total of 6 times. And I was out for like 3 hours.... and at like 11 o clock in the morning.

I got really mad at her for that. I was like if I'm going to live here for another year, we should at least figure out what the hell are our boundaries, expectations and wants. I mean, it's pissing off that I'm 19 years old and I can't leave my house in the MORNING no less without her calling me and saying "jaldiii aooo", grinding her teeth and abusing me. It's just gotten really old. I'm not fucking 13 years old anymore. If I tell her I'm going somewhere, what time I'm going AND where I'm going then why the fuck should she do this and treat me like crap? I had a discussion with my Dad and he was stating the usual arguments. "She's your mom." (Thanks so much for telling me.) "If sometimes your mom over-reacts there's nothing weird about it." and last but not least, my personal favorite: "We're more of the worrying types." (Are you really? I never would have guessed.) Good lord, I really can't understand their problem. They have zero communication. She keeps lying and lying to him about me and hoping that he won't find out, all the while forgetting to mention to me the lies she's told which I'm supposed to play out. JEEZ. If you're going to LIE at least be believeable for crying out loud. And then she yells at me and says "you bitch you put me in such a problem, you make life difficult for me, why don't you understand?"
Just listening to her voice is enough to make me sick. It's disgusting and repulsive. I can see her grind her teeth and make contorted faces at me. She's ugly and stupid and sometimes I hate her.
What's the difficulty, what's the problem? I leave for coffee with Rafaya, that's an issue. I go out with any friends anywhere that's another issue. I go show someone sights that's another fiasco. what the hell do they want? should i be chained to my bed? it's fucking ridiculous, i'm sick of it. and then on top of it all they have the fucking hypocrisy to say things like "we have always trusted you to the hilt". Yeah. Riiight. that's why I can't do anything. Okay. and "we have always let you do anything you want." oh. so true. gag me.
Sometimes the fucking deluded hypocrisy, denial and distorted self-image and ego are so repulsive and intolerable.
I'm 19 years old. I want this shit to stop by now. Their over-controlling, micro-managing possessive, paranoiac and obsessive-compulsive, incessant meddling and refusal to accept it for what the hell it is. Pure, undiluted insanity.

My mother does this so much, and sometimes I cannot help but lash out at her because I am frustrated and mad and stifled and exasperated and sick of this whole bullshit. Idiots. So I yell, she'll yell.

What probably should make me want to laugh, but instead makes me want to smack her is that she always takes my own arguments and turns them against me when they don't make any sense. "you're compulsive. you called me all sorts of names."
"YOU are compuslive. I didn't call you names! I never called you names! Can a mother ever call her child names?"

*screams*

Anyways. I'm just really mad at this whole situation. And having to answer to someone who I consider to below me intellectually and otherwise. She's like a fucking child and I hate having her to be my mother.

After I yell, she repeats what I say, she'll cry and then I'll have to say sorry.

I'm so repulsed.
I'll never be like you.
Ever.

2006-09-14T19:40:00.000+05:00

back home from dubai

the vacation was AWESOME!

I shopped shopped shopped (spent about a thousand dollars American) asked about a thousand people "where are you from?", made conversations with total strangers, got offered free cab-rides, got offered a Nigerian-man's number, a man called 'Amrood Khan's' card, listened to the philosophy of life of pakistani cabbies, and had amazing starbucks coffee. aaah. :-) 5 days of good times. The only problem being I was accompanied by someone who I would've preferred to have stayed back Home, since I am capable of managing everything and at times felt as if I was baby-sitting. (whattabitchiyam)

it was a good vacation. FINALLY in its freaking NINTH month, this year is starting to get better.

mmm...oh, and will probably go sight-seeing over the weekend with a german. what fun. haha

2006-09-08T04:01:00.000+05:00

right now i'm supposed to be sleeping...considering it's 5 to 4 in the morning but i can't.
trying to figure out a way to lose weight. good lord i'm soo fat!! aahh.. okay, i'm dieting as of september 17th! so the gameplan is that if i lose 5 pounds per month, and i diet for the following number of months
Month 1: September 17 to October 17
Month 2: October 17 to November 17
Month 3: November 17 to December 17
Month 4: December 17 to January 17
Month 5: January to Feburary
I'm going to become 125 pounds

my ideal body weight is supposed to be 125 lbs. hmm... starting september 17
goddamn it ima fit into all of those jeans!

2006-09-08T00:34:00.000+05:00

so, because i like list, here goes:

ten things i'd never tell anyone:

1. I don't shower everyday.
2. I cry like an idiot when I watch Oprah.
3. I don't really believe in God. (I think I have told this to a couple of people, actually.)
4. Cigarette smell + cologne + spirit is probably my favorite smell in the WHOLE WORLD...it's so calming and sophisticated :)
5. i find intensity of certain people's gazes and their conversations really really scary.
6. my biggest fear in life is going blind or losing a limb (that sort of goes for everyone, doesn't it?)
7. i stalk some people on orkut on a daily basis. :-s

2006-09-07T03:43:00.000+05:00

it's 3:39 in the morning and i'm still up, unable to sleep (duh) and bored. i'm talking to a friend, but he's taking ages to reply. i just chilled today and did nothing...watched more lost, pigged out. i got into l'ecole, haven't told my mom as yet. Anyways. only 2 days to dubai. woot! a THOUSAND dollars!!
a girl can do some serious damage with that amount of money.

2006-09-06T02:56:00.000+05:00

when was the last time i was here? day before yesterday?
anyways. yeah....so, something interesting happened. i found out that one of my guy-friends likes me. :-s ugh. and the person who happened to tell me was not my friend, but my friend's girlfriend who just started to talk to me at random. Anyways. Pretty weird. She said that I must have known, but to be honest i had absolutely NO IDEA WHATSOEVER. but, to like, sound smart i was like "yeah, i did'' haha. sad, no?

Anyways. Whatever. Nothing's changed. Hmm. Today my last day with farwa. she's going to leave for canada tommorow morning, and afterwards she won't be here for like 2 years. :-( we went for lunch at nandos and then we went to forum for a little while, and after that we were roaming around at zainab market. hmm... zainab market wasn't nearly as enjoyable as sunday bazaar because there were too many people. for some reason there was HARDLY any crowd. I think her and me were the only chicks there. :- huh. anyways, it was fruitful i guess, as I did buy a halter-top for like 70-75(can't remember which) ... it's a bit too tight. like un-flattering, uncomfortable tight. :( but maybe after i lose like 5 pounds it'll be all good. good lord, i weigh like 150 lbs. that's AWFUL! :-( Some of the stuff at zainab market was actually prettty nice. i've got the cards and I'm gonna go to some stores again. they had NICE stuff. hehe. Aaaand what else? mmm...yeah, then we went to karachi club, chilled for a bit and she dropped me back home.

And oh yeah, the german boy messaged. *dies from laughter*

what else? only 3 days until dubai! woot! mm...i'm hungry. i didnt really eat anything at all today. my tummy's messed up. now i'm hungry and i can't sleep. :'( Yeah. Sucks. Mmm...what else? there has to be something more interesting in my pathetic life! ugh
guess not really....i'm bored. it's 3:02 A.M. i'm thinking of sleeping, but i know i'll just be lying awake in bed, thinking of everything. No real plans as such for yesterday. will just hang out chill at home, watch DVDs and chill all day. mmhmm... maybe go for waxing. have become really scary looking. ok, that's enough for now....God I cant wait to get new lingerie!

p.s.
i also rode a rickshaw today

2006-09-04T22:28:00.000+05:00

4 days left to dubai...
my daddy's promised to give me a thousand u.s. dollars. woot! Hope he doesn't chicken out, though. :-s that would be awfully disappointing..
The weather here really, really sucks. It's hot and humid and sticky but I start freezing everytime the airconditioner is on. Ugh. Anyways. Yeah. The Sunday Bazaar loot was pretty good. Only I wish I'd lose some weight. I got these NICE capris from there...but alas, they don't fit on the thighs :-S sucks. yeah, so when i'm back i think every morning i'm going to start hitting the gym. Like going for a couple of hours. Might as well. Everyone else will be gone shortly. Farwa's leaving day after, and then shayan, and then mahwish.... so i'm thinking since classes are during the evenings...i'll be going to the gym since like 10, 11 in the mornings.

Anyways. What else? oh ew yucky details to disclose. there was FUNGUS in my closet and it has spread to some of my clothes. yuck. i spent the evening throwing away shitloads of clothes. now i won't even feel guilty for getting myself a new wardrobe! woohoo!
:-D

2006-09-03T21:21:00.000+05:00

3rd September 2006
only 6 days left to go until dubai! woohoo! :D
today was boring...didn't really do much, but it's a sunday, what can one expect? Anyways, I went with my friend and her 14 year old cousin to Sunday Bazaar. It was so much FUN. hahaha :-) I hadn't gone since AGES...i got one cute purse, one hoodie, 2 shirts and what else I don't remember...my friend has my stuff...i'm going over to her house tommorow to pick all the stuff up and return some stuff that she's left over at my place. Anyways...till my oh-so-exciting Dubai trip, I'm going to chill with my friend and watch the DVDs of Lost. I haven't really been dealing with...."reality" for lack of a better word, and i don't want to. maybe after i get back from retail heaven and have nicer things to think about.
that's all for now

2006-09-02T18:57:00.001+05:00

Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant. They usually shift blame to other people and tend to carry long grudges.

Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder:
Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults
Excessive sensitivity to setbacks
Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance
Projection of blame onto others
Consumed by anticipation of betrayal
Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights
Relentlessly suspicious

Additional Information:
Paranoid personality disorder is difficult to treat, as paranoids are often extremely suspicious of medical professionals. A combination of medication and talk therapy can be effective at combating the more debilitating symptoms of this disorder.

Where's the party?" ESFPs love people, excitement, telling stories and having fun. The spontaneous, impulsive nature of this type is almost always entertaining. And ESFPs love to entertain -- on stage, at work, and/or at home. Social gatherings are an energy boost to these "people" people.
SPs sometimes think and talk in more of a spider-web approach. Several of my ESFP friends jump from thought to thought in mid-sentence, touching here or there in a manner that's almost incoherent to the listener, but will eventually cover the waterfront by skipping on impulse from one piece of information to another. It's really quite fascinating.
New! ESFPs are attracted to new ideas, new fashions, new gadgets, new ______. Perhaps it's the newness of life that attracts ESFPs to elementary education, especially to preschool and kindergarten.
ESFPs love to talk to people about people. Some of the most colorful storytellers are ESFPs. Their down-to-earth, often homespun wit reflects a mischievous benevolence.
Almost every ESFP loves to talk. Some can be identified by the twenty minute conversation required to ask or answer a simple factual question.
Functional Analysis:
Extraverted Sensing
The dominant function of ESFPs is concerned with the reality that is perceived through the senses. This type's prime directive is to examine the tangible through taste, touch, sight, feeling and hearing. ESFPs' need for new experiences surely results from this function. Feeling gives focus to the collected information, producing the amiable nature of this type. As perceivers, ESFPs do not linger on moral concerns unless it is in service of a Greater Good and/or a unifying cause.
Introverted Feeling
Feeling, which tends to decision-making in the interest of individual beings, is auxiliary to sensing. As with all introverted functions, feeling for ESFPs has a surreal, cryptic, quintessential nature. It is more often implied than verbally expressed, more apparent in countenance and deed rather than word or creed. Feeling takes care that playful pokes and pranks do no harm to the victim.
Extraverted Thinking
This tertiary function is at the ready to give definitive answers when the world requires them. It provides a measure of balance to Introverted Feeling, allowing the ESFP some level of boundary and protection from those who would take advantage. When overused or overestimated, however, Thinking becomes a liability. ESFPs do well to seek out confirmation of the soundness of tough-minded decisions.
Introverted iNtuition
This function is least visible. As is the nature of the inferior (fourth) function, ESFP intuition lacks a sense of balance. This type seems most successful in deducing patterns and seeing connections only after a thorough examination of the facts (which process appears quite unorganized and haphazard to non-SPs). Although some ESFPs may develop such abilities, the mastery of logic, analysis and abstraction is usually difficult and wearying, and not very much fun.
Famous ESFPs:
Saint Mark (Christ's disciple)Dale EvansGracie AllenBob HopeEva GaborWillard ScottGoldie HawnKyle PettyArsenio HallMary Lou RettonKathy Lee GiffordMarne Stanier, "The Weather Channel"Woody Harrelson (Cheers)

ESTPs are spontaneous, active folks. Like the other SPs, ESTPs get great satisfaction from acting on their impulses. Activities involving great power, speed, thrill and risk are attractive to the ESTP. Chronic stifling of these impulses makes the ESTP feel "dead inside."
Gamesmanship is the calling card of the ESTP. Persons of this type have a natural drive to best the competition. Some of the most successful salespersons are ESTPs. P.T. Barnum ("Never give a sucker an even break") illustrates the unscrupulous contingent of this type.
Almost unconsciously the ESTP looks for nonverbal, nearly subliminal cues as to what makes her quarry "tick." Once she knows, she waits for just the right time to trump the unsuspecting victim's ace and glory in her conquest. Oddly enough, the ESTP seems to admire and respect anyone who can beat her at her own game.
"If I was any better, I couldn't stand it!" To an ESTP, admission of weakness feels like failure. He admires strength in himself and in others.
"Shock effect" is a favored technique of this type to get the attention of his audience. ESTPs love to be at center stage, demonstrating feats of wonder and daring.
Functional Analysis:
Extraverted Sensing
These are the ultimate realists. Extraverted Sensors are at one with objects and experiences now, in the only living, pulsing moment that ever really exists. The Sensor is compelled to see, touch, taste, smell and feel all that moves, wafts, tingles, tinkles, scintillates, vibrates or resonates. Some ESTPs are keenly discriminating; only those elements of singular quality and experience will suffice. Others revel in earthiness. If baseness can elicit shock from more squeamish observers, so much the better.
Introverted Thinking
Even a consummate Sensor needs to decide which hand to grasp the gusto with; Introverted Thinking is her preferred yardstick. Introverted, and auxiliary to Sensing, the T function maintains a low profile, keeps its opinions mainly to itself, and readily yields to allow Sensing to savor a special moment. The ESTP preference for mental, physical and emotional toughness surely can be traced to this detached, rational function.
Extraverted Feeling
Though only a minor character, Feeling plays an important role in a favorite pastime of ESTPs. This is not to say that ESTPs don't care deeply for others, yet Feeling is such a ready hand-puppet, expedient in disarming the "victim" and exposing the jugular. Sincere Feeling is tertiary and thus relatively simplistic in this type. As such, it can be the undoing of ESTPs at the hands of those they (perhaps unconsciously) come to trust.
Introverted iNtuition
In the inferior (fourth) position, intuition may be virtually absent much of the time. Haziness of inner, symbolic vision is the psychic price of the clarity of sensory awareness. As do other SPs, ESTPs reserve a certain "gut" sense of timing and luck. When repression and stress empower the Shadow, it likely finds expression through intuition in stereotypic perceptions of groups and individuals whom it perceives and hostile or hurtful.

2006-09-02T18:57:00.000+05:00

Disorder
Rating
Information
Paranoid:
Moderate
click for info
Schizoid:
Low
click for info
Schizotypal:
Low
click for info
Antisocial:
Low
click for info
Borderline:
Low
click for info
Histrionic:
Low
click for info
Narcissistic:
Low
click for info
Avoidant:
Low
click for info
Dependent:
Low
click for info
Obsessive-Compulsive:
Low
click for info

2006-09-02T18:47:00.000+05:00

so i just took this personality test.

here's the verdict. i don't think it's a bit like me.... :-s

Guardians are the cornerstone of society, for they are the temperament given to serving and preserving our most important social institutions. Guardians have natural talent in managing goods and services--from supervision to maintenance and supply--and they use all their skills to keep things running smoothly in their families, communities, schools, churches, hospitals, and businesses.
Guardians can have a lot of fun with their friends, but they are quite serious about their duties and responsibilities. Guardians take pride in being dependable and trustworthy; if there's a job to be done, they can be counted on to put their shoulder to the wheel. Guardians also believe in law and order, and sometimes worry that respect for authority, even a fundamental sense of right and wrong, is being lost. Perhaps this is why Guardians honor customs and traditions so strongly--they are familiar patterns that help bring stability to our modern, fast-paced world.
Practical and down-to-earth, Guardians believe in following the rules and cooperating with others. They are not very comfortable winging it or blazing new trails; working steadily within the system is the Guardian way, for in the long run loyalty, discipline, and teamwork get the job done right. Guardians are meticulous about schedules and have a sharp eye for proper procedures. They are cautious about change, even though they know that change can be healthy for an institution. Better to go slowly, they say, and look before you leap.
Guardians make up as much as 40 to 45 percent of the population.
The Four types of Guardians are:
Supervisors (ESTJ) Protectors (ISFJ) Inspectors (ISTJ) Providers (ESFJ)

2006-09-02T15:30:00.000+05:00

I'm going to dubai in...exactly a week! actually about a week, seven days from now and a few hours i'll be boarding the plane. Woot! I can't believe I'm actually so excited! :-D 5 days of just going to malls! aaaah. *utter bliss*
I'm planning on taking like 2 sets of clothes and just going totally beserk shopping over there. ahaha woohoo!! MAN--do i need clothes. it's actually gotten to the point where it's pretty embarassing, especially the 'delicates' department. We need to stock up if you know what I mean, eh? Like, seriously.
The thing about Dubai is that there's nowhere to go, no car-issues of reaching back home, of having to go stop somewhere on the way because you need to go get sabzi or stop over at the tailor or whatever. and shopping in pakiland is such a bitch anyways, cause there's never any proper variety, and there are always idiotic salesmen checking you out plus there are never any proper changing rooms where you aren't scared that they haven't gotten hidden cams. Haha. I made a list of stores to go to. Diesel, Old Navy, Top Shop, Forever21, Gap, Guess, FCUK, Mango, NEXT, La Senza, Zara, Giordano, Jennyfer... YAAAAAY! Dad's promised me some money so i can go crazy. Ooh and I'm going to hit BodyShop as well. :D :D :D Ohhhh! AND KINDERSURPRISE! :D :D :D :D
besides that, there's nothing really much to say. i'm fighting the sadness. i'm also becoming acutely aware of how disgustingly dirty my room is. there's a vast difference between being "cluttered" and "messy" and being "filthy" and "dirty". Ashamedly, I must admit, I think my room falls within the last 2 categories. Yuck. So. Am going to clean it. One of these days. that's it for now.

2006-08-31T17:52:00.000+05:00

today i had the weirdest dreams AGAIN. i was asleep until 2:30 p.m. until my mom went hysterically ballistic on me for something totally random...ahh....i never really realized how great of an escape sleep is. it makes you forget everything, and relax...i'd always sort of had trouble sleeping before, but now with this damned awful cough and cold, and the medication, it comes blissfully easily. perhaps a bit too easily.
Anyhow. Yeah, so there were a series of dreams. in the first dream, i dreamt that there was a small, poor, run-away girl hiding out in my room. apparently she'd been hiding in my room for the longest time but i didnt really know about it...i found her, and discovered that she was originally from up north where she'd been living in some hill-station in an army-mess-hall. Anyways. yes, and i remember that she'd stoled a thousand ruppee bill from my wallet, and later on when i discovered her, i made her hand it in...she gave it, and she'd kept it in an embroidered square pouch, which i reflected was way too big to hold money...
in the second dream, i dreamt of my friend (okay, not a great friend, but this girl i used to know)... apparently her man had told some stuff about her to her family (kiss n tell material stories) and i dreamed she was upsomewhere and i was down... (up as in up in a building) and that i was down and i wrote her a letter and made her reach up and get it from a piece of rope/string whatever. and on the note, i'd written "what happened to you, happened to me also"
AND also somewhere in the middle of the dream, my mom was cleaning my room and cleaning behind the stereo she found my pack of smokes. Uh Oh.
WOWIEE what a weirdo i am

Anyways. My Brother left today. :( i feel sorta sad 'cause now i won't have anyone to bitch about and someone who understands the delicate idiosyncrasies of my familia. Oh, well. Anyhoo. I sort of envy him for leaving, too. But what to do? Oh, and yeah. I got the weird freak's number of him. Will probably give him a ring one of these days. Or not. My mom was all "why do you need his number?" *suspicious*

Ugh. was supposed to go to the beach with friends today, wouldve gone right about now, but am actually pretty sick. My throat and chest hurt like BITCHES. Such is life. :-( What to do.

Oh, let's see...I'm pretty excited about going to Dubai now. Could I not be? I need to get out of here, and I NEED a vacation. Made a list of all the stores I'm going to hit when I enter the middle-east's retail-heaven. Aah. The list is actually in my pocket right now, and is a little reassuring. The only con is that my mother will be accompanying me on the vacation. 7 days left. Woohoo. I'm planning on packing probably 2 sets of clothes and just going crazy when I reach...thankgod for my good results and my father's susequently-aroused generosity.

Enough said for today, I guess.

2006-08-30T00:39:00.000+05:00

okay, so i haven't been on in a day...
Anyways...not much has happened. Yesterday I turned into a raging bitch 'cause my mom didnt let me go out for dinner 'cause apparently i'd been going out too much for her taste since the past couple of days or week or whatever. i love her stupid attempts to make me more domesticated. it's hillarious. "why don't you stay at home and clean your room, clean your cupboard? try to involve yourself more in the house?" yeah, right, as if! why DON'T i just stay home with YOU and clean my CUPBOARD instead of hanging out with my friends? hmmm...tempting.
Ugh
I hate writing this stuff because its so stupid and teenager-ish. jeez. i'm too old for this crap. i'm sick of everything. anyways, so i sat in my room, skipped dinner and sulked about my horrible awful life and thought about how it wasn't at all as how i had planned and how much i hated it that everyone was going away in a matter of weeks, if they hadn't already and i had damn nothing to do then but hang out at home, hide out and have smokes and pity myself.
*Gags*
Anyhoo...day before yesterday, i had a fairly interesting dream...just thought i'd write it here. i once used to keep a dream-journal, way back in the day when i used to dream about 50 times a night.
Lately my dreams have been far and few in between and nothing particularly remarkable.

Anyways, the dream....
so it's set on a desert, and i remember that there were lots of dunes...it was basically sandy and could've been a beach for all i know, except that i don't remember any water.
There's a woman, and she's wearing a mermaid costume. She's really, REALLY hot. Like erotically, overwhelmingly sexy. Goddess material: Makes Jessica Alba look mediocre. She has long, flowy hair that fall across her back, and they're dark and shiny yet they are in different shades. Dark and light...like dark yet with natural streaks of brown. Her skin is smooth and soft. Total perfection.
Yeah.
There was a guy there. I don't remember anything about him, really...like the way he looked, or what he was saying. I don't remember what she said, either.
So she was talking to the guy before, and they had chemistry. Like an aggressive but playful, joking-around comfort-level sort of chemistry where they kinda pushed each other's buttons but liked it. So they had been talking before, and in a kinda argument the woman walked away from him.
He
called out to her, and she stopped. It was difficult for her to keep moving around in her mermaid costume, so she laid down on the sand. And then she takes off her mermaid costume and is lying there on the sand totally naked. I think it was partly because she was sort of come-hither to the guy and also because her costume was making it really uncomfortable for her to move around. Anyways, so she lay down on her side. For some reason, I remember THIS detail: the girl had her legs FIRMLY crossed. Even though she was naked, she didn't want to have sex. The guy came upto her and also lay down on his side, and started to kiss her mouth and then he moved on her face which he started to kiss with relish.
I remember he was a REALLY good kisser.
That's about it. I wonder what the hell it means?

2006-08-27T20:39:00.000+05:00

isn't it funny....
but i think ALL my relationships with people are dysfunctional love-hate relationships...not a normal one in all of 'em!!

2006-08-27T20:29:00.000+05:00

i feel like hell. ugh
i feel like something's missing but i don't know what
i feel like somewhere inside there's a hole but i don't know why
there's been something i've been waiting for
why won't it come?

This song is made for me.

All my life I've been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope
All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around then it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
Feel it come to life when I see your ghost
Come down don't you resist
You have such a delicate wrist
And if I give it a twist
Something to hold when I lose my grip
Will I find something in that
So give me just what I need
Another reason to bleed
ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve
ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down [x2]
Will I find a believer
Another one who believes
Another one to deceive
Over and over down on my knees
If I get any closer
And if you open up wide
And if you let me inside
On and on I've got nothing to hide
On and on I've got nothing to hide
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down [x2]
All my life I've been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope
All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around then it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
Feel it to life when I see your ghost
And I'm done, done and I'm onto the next one [x8, then x4 but
yelling]
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down [x2]
[yelling]
Done done and onto the next one
Done I'm done and I'm onto the next

2006-08-26T20:12:00.000+05:00

so like i'm supposed to go out with a friend...actually, a bunch of friends tonight. i told my mom around 8, 8:30 and she said okay...but we're supposed to be there at 9:00. I didn't wanna say NINE because she freaks out. The earlier the better is always my policy. Hehe...so anyways, i called up my friend who was supposed to come down to my place and we're gonna go together...but she's at this farm and she says she can come down by 9, 9 30. Yipes. i guess i'll just stall..uff this is so annoying...i feel like such an idiot.

2006-08-26T18:18:00.000+05:00

Things I like:

1. Coffee + something sweet like a brownie or a muffin on a winter day. Mmm :-)
2. Coffee with a smoke. Double Mmm.
3. Sleeping under comforters.
4. Bitching to girlfriends with coffee. (what's really awesome is that they feel all your angst for you. Haha :D )
5. Day-dreaming
6. French-fries...pizza...i could go on for a while here if it was just about food. DINNER ROLLS. ARE. GREAT.
7. Freedom.
8. Hearing a kickass song for the first time. Nothing really beats that.
9. Random lameass jokes that only I will be able to really appreciate.
10. Karachi weather in November nights.
11. Sheesha.
12. Diet Pepsi.
13. AVIATORS. (this should've been number 1.)
14. Stupid, meaningless songs that just make you wanna shake yer Bootaaay!!

Ten things about me:

1. I have no direction and that really worries me.
2. I dread a lot of things and people. Alot of conversations with people.
3. At times I get really, really shy.
4. I go through really fugly downers and wallow sometimes.
5. I have really bad dandruff. haha
6. I hate it when other people are better than me.
7. I have really pretty handwriting & i'm really particular about pens. Especially fountain pens.
8. I feel really guilty when I'm not at home.
9. Chris Cornell and Cristiano Ronaldo are the HOTTEST men in my opinion.
10. I detest Indian movies with a passion.

2006-08-26T14:39:00.000+05:00

ugh i'm just soo pissed off. i know i posted here like 5 minutes ago, but this is personal and nobody's ever seeing it but moi. and anyways...my mom just comes into the room all shy and coy like she does SO ANNOYINGLY when she has something she wants to say...she's like your dad can't make it tonight, he'll be here in the morning, tommorow. so i'm like "...okay..." wondering what the hell this implies..
and i'm like finally, since she's not saying anything...does this mean that i can go over to the farm thing? and she's like do you WANT to go? and DUH fuck yeah anything's better than sitting at home and watching more fucking tv. so i was like YES. i do. and she's like oh...listen...even if you DO go...please don't stay the night.

i hate this. wtf is their fucking problem man? stupid emotional blackmail to just keep me in the house. i hate it. i'm fucking 19 years old. i should be allowed to go wherever the fuck i want to go. but nooo i'm still acting like such a fucking child by having to deal with each of my parent's issues. it's so pissing off. what the hell? ugh. and i mean if i do spend the night its like at her UNCLE'S farm, where there'll be OTHER family members...bah...i'm not even gonna elaborate. i'm just really pissed off. what's their stupid PROBLEM?!?! and then she goes like if you want you can go hang out at your friend's place..and i'm like shes going to the farm..what do you want me to go there for? shes so STUPID with her dumb puppy dog face and ever-lasting sickness and weepiness. i feel so completely repulsed by her. yeah, yeah i know i sound like a fucking 10 year old but i really dont care. i'm just pissed for a moment and it'll pass. i dont understand them...they have a problem with EVERYTHING....and yet they'll DIE before acknowledging that they're difficult people to live with. grr
i'm so pissed off...i was thinking of calling someone to hang out, but nobody's available. so much for a great weekend. bah. my mood's foul.

2006-08-26T13:55:00.000+05:00

so anyways, it's 1:49 p.m. right now...just had some lunch. it tasted like crap.
i'm BORED BORED BORED
i got up because people were talking. My mom & her mom... i don't know what they were discussing but they were talking in such heated tones but i willed myself to go back to sleep. Ugh. I really hate waking up now. Sleep is a great escape. I feel like having a smoke so bad...i'll probably go out any buy myself a pack, but i've really been avoiding it and i dunno i feel guilty. How weird that tabacco actually works better for me than hash :-s

Anyways my mom was all weepy when she started talking to me and went like i want you to go to brunel 'cause i know you'll be unhappy here, blah blah blah and that you should call them up and just go...and then she was all weepy again 'cause my brother is gonna be leaving in a week or so...sigh...drama. Anyways, it's really not upto me. i knew if i went to brunel on some level i wouldnt have felt good about it, and sure my dad's all like yeah, go ahead do whatever you want...but he'd be all like it's not worth your grades, it's so expensive, and it's so far away, i'd be so worried, blah and then i can't afford to pay for your post graduate...grrr ... this really pisses me off... Going to l'eole was kinda my choice, although it was made due to a lack of better choices. What to do? it's not what i wanted. But not like i can/want to change anything now...
My dad's coming back today and I really don't want to deal with him...he'll be asking me have you done the LSJ thing? and i'll lie and be like ermm yeahh! of course! jeez he's really way too involved in my life. (i have afeeling that a lot more of my entries in the future will be about him...) don't get me wrong, i love my dad and all that, but i dunno...we just never really seem to agree on anything and he's always annoying me...
yeah and then my friend sent me a text and said you wanna come over to my uncle's farm? i was kinda happy to have plans...
i said yeah because it seems like it would be fun since we've already done everything there is to do in this stupid city. but then my mom was all like uncomfortable about it and shifting around in her seat and using her typical dialouges like if you go it'll be really, really late and your dad's coming back today and then he'll be like where were you? blah blah
so i guess i'm not going. everytime i so much as step outta the house its such a big problem with them that they're all mad and distant to make me feel guilty as if i did something really wrong...ugh...so i'm stuck at home again, with nothing to do.
sucks. :-( i wanna kinda hang out with someone, but i don't think i can. Anyways. i don't even really feel mad. i should be expecting this stuff, right? sigh. :( now i'm feeling down.

2006-08-25T19:22:00.000+05:00

Just back home from a friend's place and REALLY bored... what kinda loser am I?
Anyways, here's a brief introduction on yours truly.

Things that Piss me off:

(I was thinking of making this a top-ten, but there are just way too many of 'em. Here goes...)

1. Getting out of the shower feeling all nice and clean, only to feel sticky and fugly after 10 minutes. Ugh.
2. People who create drama when there isn't any need for it. Die, losers.
3. Arrogance. What's the attitude for? We're all just teenage dirtbags man.
4. Hmm...idiots who don't have the balls to admit that they're wrong and apologize. SAY YOU'RE SORRY GODDAMN IT!
5. Having to ask for permission.
6. Conversations with my father.
7. Conversations with my mother. Hahaha :-D (she's a number later 'cause i can walk away from her.)
8. The after-effects of rain in karachi.
9. Men who stare.
10. Hindi movies....especially their dialogues! Blergh.
11. Not getting my way.
12. Being bad at something. Being wrong.
13. Contemproray rock.
14. Self-righteousness. Judgementalness. Hypocrisy.
15. Hidden inneundos in seemingly innocuous situations & conversations.
16. Hyperbole/Exaggaration.
17. Cheesiness.
18. Helplessness.
19. Internet english -- or people who cenor it when they swear on the net. what the f-ck?
20. People who constantly take pictures of themselves.
21. Plans that never seem to materialize.
22. 80's fashion. (i'm such a bimbo...hahahaha :-) )
23. um...feeling fat...
24. BO :-s
25. Not having anything to do...aka getting bored.
26. Of late, this really bums me out: Waking up.
27. erm.... can't think of anymore....ALL the boys i know! Haha
28. being patronized.
29. lack of freedom...lack of privacy.
30. FRANSHIPPERS!!! jeez.
31. holier-than-thou attitudes.
32. Not having anyone to talk to. :(
33. made-for-tv-movies.
34. being pressurized.
35. the faces my mom makes at me.
36. happy people. WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS SMILING? WHY?!?!

2006-08-25T16:45:00.000+05:00

Okay, how do I start this?

Well, lately life has been pretty mediocre and kind boring, actually. Just the same old, same old. Nothing really to tell. I feel pretty bummed 'cause there's never anything to do, and I always feel lethargic. Yeah. And plus, my life isn't really taking the course that I thought it would be, for a long, looong time, and that's sort of depressing...I'm really sick of everyone and everything around me. Hmm.

So yesterday, I went with my friend to this guy's place for some hash...we were there for a few hours and smoked a bunch of joints...like 5 or 6...and my friend, who does weed on a regular basis was really high and everyone else around (2 guys) were pretttty stoned. I wasn't. Can you believe it? It was like the first time I'd ever had hash, even. But nothing. and YES, i was inhaling. BLAH! Everyone around was like I can't believe you're not high yada yada....my friend was having a good time apparently and was all giggly but i was just really bored and couldn't stop looking at my watch so that I could get outta there... How depressing. I couldn't even get high for fuckssake! Jeez!

um anyways i'm trying not to think about the fact that i'm going to be staying home for another year and having to tolerate everyone here. i've wanted to get out for the longest time...the fact that i'm going to the place i'm going, and that i'm not getting what i want despite the fact that i have done everything for it and have the TOOLS for it makes me feel like such a failure. Ugh. I really can't believe that my BROTHER of all people, who got out, is...like, doing well. I don't know why that's hard for me to believe. I can't believe that i'm the messed up, confused, pissed one when he's the wise, well-adjusted one.... life's so bizzare. it was the other way round when we were kids. i hate being in this position and feeling inferior because i can be pretty insecure and whenever i feel lesser than anyone else i start to get really really bummed.

Anyhoo... one of my really good friends, and Her friend whom i'd met a couple of times and was friendly to, just had a fight with me. i was kinda in shock about it for a little bit, but then i'm just like ahh fuck it man...what does it matter? they're idiots. what was i doing with them anyways? Yeah...weird, huh? we used to talk everyday but now i dont even miss her.

This makes me think of something my brother had told me...he'd said that i felt there was a hole in my life and that I just kept filling it up by playing a role. idiot. he might be right. i just needed someone to bitch to, so i kept her around, to be totally honest. i didn't really like her. but it was nice to get some text msgs on my cell phone, some phone calls and know that you're going to have someone mildly entertaining to talk to. Such boredom. Thus we have trips to guy's houses who we hardly know to smoke hash. How...exciting. Such is my life.
Yuck. How come I wasn't even high? It made my head feel a bit weird. But to be honest I'd had a better time when I was with the rum. Ooh, rum is wonderful. And cigarettes. Coffee. All of my favourite things, I bet.
Haha. How lame. Anyways. Yeah. This has gotten pretty long. I'd better end it here.